You're in Over Your Head.
Well, maybe I should say that I am "Head over Heels" or "Jumping in Feet First". Hum?? I'm not so good with idioms. Anyway- this morning I was thinking of a couple of people we know who are pregnant and then some more who are trying, and it made me think back to when I first fell in love with Calvin. And yes I did say "fell in love". I mean when I first found out we were expecting it was not shocking as we had been hoping to get pregnant, but I did not have any sort of emotional investment,.... I just felt horrible and that's all I could think about.
I have friends who lost babies to miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant and were totally invested in their child, and of course it was heart wrenching. But if I am honest with myself, that did not come for me until our first ultrasound.
To want to have kids, to be married, to have anything you currently do not have can be very hard to handle. Ask my dad, he knows I understand this truth as well as anyone. But let me tell you,... to think of losing(or not having) these things after they have been entrusted to you can be very hard to even think of. Lord willing, you don't have to.
Well, the day I saw Calvin on that first ultrasound and he jumped from one side of the placental sac to the other,... he had me. Hook. Line. and Sinker. Seeing his sweet little head and arms and especially those long little fingers splayed out for everyone to see. All I could think was: "God, he is beautiful!".
So, this pregnancy for me is not about getting something I didn't have before. It's not about keeping up with a standard... I was happy prior to getting pregnant as well (and without all the symptoms I've had). But this is now about Calvin. God's choice of him and only him to bring into this world at his appointed time only. This child was not a girl, not another boy, but this particular little boy.
What a Sovereign miracle of God's own choosing. I don't deserve him; I didn't earn him; I can't keep him forever; and really he's not "mine" per se. He's God's child entrusted to us for the time God gives him to be under our care. This is really the same with marriage, houses or material possessions, health, friends, wealth, blessings, and all else that crosses this short path towards eternity that we call "Life". All of which ("good" and "not so good" things) lead us to a better understanding of the "forever" which is to come. In the meantime, I have just learned to say "Thank You" to our Good Lord for everything he has brought into my life and trust him with even my(our) sweet little Calvin.
I have friends who lost babies to miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant and were totally invested in their child, and of course it was heart wrenching. But if I am honest with myself, that did not come for me until our first ultrasound.
To want to have kids, to be married, to have anything you currently do not have can be very hard to handle. Ask my dad, he knows I understand this truth as well as anyone. But let me tell you,... to think of losing(or not having) these things after they have been entrusted to you can be very hard to even think of. Lord willing, you don't have to.
Well, the day I saw Calvin on that first ultrasound and he jumped from one side of the placental sac to the other,... he had me. Hook. Line. and Sinker. Seeing his sweet little head and arms and especially those long little fingers splayed out for everyone to see. All I could think was: "God, he is beautiful!".
So, this pregnancy for me is not about getting something I didn't have before. It's not about keeping up with a standard... I was happy prior to getting pregnant as well (and without all the symptoms I've had). But this is now about Calvin. God's choice of him and only him to bring into this world at his appointed time only. This child was not a girl, not another boy, but this particular little boy.
What a Sovereign miracle of God's own choosing. I don't deserve him; I didn't earn him; I can't keep him forever; and really he's not "mine" per se. He's God's child entrusted to us for the time God gives him to be under our care. This is really the same with marriage, houses or material possessions, health, friends, wealth, blessings, and all else that crosses this short path towards eternity that we call "Life". All of which ("good" and "not so good" things) lead us to a better understanding of the "forever" which is to come. In the meantime, I have just learned to say "Thank You" to our Good Lord for everything he has brought into my life and trust him with even my(our) sweet little Calvin.
posted by Amy at 10:48 AM
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